Confessions of a Confused Mind
“I’ll get back to the office and surf the net at least. May be I’ll post some of the muck I’ve written on to my blog” I thought and started changing. Just when I was about to get my shoes, Rajinder, the office boy entered with a file in his hand. Some of the auditors were still at work (as they were proceeding on leave the next day). “What’s it? I anyways was coming to the office”. “Fax addressed by name Sir. Chaudhary Saab said it is URGENT”.
The fax read, “Your name has been considered by the Chief for the 63rd Staff Course at Defence Services Staff College, Wellington. Please forward your willingness by return fax”. I was thrilled. Getting into the Staff College is regarded an achievement in the Army (those who get there are considered to do well in the long run) and only 4 nominations are available for Civilian Officers (one each from IAS and IPS and two from all other Services combined). I was one of the four who had made it this year.
The fax gave me just 24 hours to ponder and accept/reject the nomination. Strangely this was the second wishful thought that had come true. The first was my posting to Bhutan. I’d thought to myself in 2000, “I wish I were posted to this beautiful country” when I was in Sikkim doing my army attachment at Nathula. This was the second. My colleague who was nominated in 2003 had not accepted it and I wished I were nominated instead then. Initially I jumped all around the place telling to myself, “I’ll go. This is the best thing to happen. I’ll be off Bhutan and rid of boredom”.
After a while I started thinking if it were right to go. “What would I get out of this course? All guys from the Armed Forces would be junior to me. I don’t want to be addressed by name. My ego wouldn’t take it. And, I’ll stand to lose a lot of money. It will take me years to save that otherwise. Today I’d want to earn money and I’d want to quit the government service provided I get an opportunity and would this course make any difference to my CV?” were my thoughts.
I spoke to SB, JS (my only friend in the Service), people who had earlier done this course, colleagues posted here from the Army and other Civil Servants I knew. In other words, I burnt a nice hole in my pocket after several international calls. Except for RN everyone else asked me to go ahead and join (Col. KM said, “If I were in your place I’d have immediately even left the place”). The only hitch everyone talked about was leaving Bhutan mid-way and lose out on the additional pay one’s entitled to (at present rates I earn Rs.25K extra per month; if the Foreign Allowance comes about it might jump to Rs.60K extra. Again, the salary of a Civil Servant isn’t great by any standards – even the junior managers in any industry earn much more).
The fax read, “Your name has been considered by the Chief for the 63rd Staff Course at Defence Services Staff College, Wellington. Please forward your willingness by return fax”. I was thrilled. Getting into the Staff College is regarded an achievement in the Army (those who get there are considered to do well in the long run) and only 4 nominations are available for Civilian Officers (one each from IAS and IPS and two from all other Services combined). I was one of the four who had made it this year.
The fax gave me just 24 hours to ponder and accept/reject the nomination. Strangely this was the second wishful thought that had come true. The first was my posting to Bhutan. I’d thought to myself in 2000, “I wish I were posted to this beautiful country” when I was in Sikkim doing my army attachment at Nathula. This was the second. My colleague who was nominated in 2003 had not accepted it and I wished I were nominated instead then. Initially I jumped all around the place telling to myself, “I’ll go. This is the best thing to happen. I’ll be off Bhutan and rid of boredom”.
After a while I started thinking if it were right to go. “What would I get out of this course? All guys from the Armed Forces would be junior to me. I don’t want to be addressed by name. My ego wouldn’t take it. And, I’ll stand to lose a lot of money. It will take me years to save that otherwise. Today I’d want to earn money and I’d want to quit the government service provided I get an opportunity and would this course make any difference to my CV?” were my thoughts.
I spoke to SB, JS (my only friend in the Service), people who had earlier done this course, colleagues posted here from the Army and other Civil Servants I knew. In other words, I burnt a nice hole in my pocket after several international calls. Except for RN everyone else asked me to go ahead and join (Col. KM said, “If I were in your place I’d have immediately even left the place”). The only hitch everyone talked about was leaving Bhutan mid-way and lose out on the additional pay one’s entitled to (at present rates I earn Rs.25K extra per month; if the Foreign Allowance comes about it might jump to Rs.60K extra. Again, the salary of a Civil Servant isn’t great by any standards – even the junior managers in any industry earn much more).
My mind did a flop-flop every few minutes. One time I’d resolve, “I’ll go. To hell with the money and ego hassles that I have” and then again, “I don’t want to go. I would want to stay back here, earn the extra buck, travel around Bhutan and North-East”. I swung (rather my thoughts) like a pendulum. Each phone call made me change my mind. I honestly didn’t know what was best for me. This situation isn’t new to me. Most times when I’ve to take a pick between two given choices, I always end up dilly-dallying. Or even procrastinating. I felt I was an invertebrate. To give stability to my thoughts, my mind and myself, I even went for a long walk. It didn’t help much (I’m surprised I’m neither a Gemini nor a Libran, by star sign).
I called up SB. “Listen, before you start telling me again I should go, I want you to hear me clearly. Those who’ve attended the course – I mean the civil servants – say that it’s of no use. You’d learn about army strategies of how to set up an attack, sweep minefields, change location of camp sites during an offensive and the like. If I stay back in the department it’d be useful if I get posted as Financial Advisor. It might even help me get good deputations at the ministry. But if I want to quit service it might not be of any help. Of course I’d get a post-graduation in MSc (Defence Strategic Studies) from Madras University. There are times when I feel I should go and otherwise I think I should stay back here. I’ve called up my bosses and asked them time until Monday morning. So, think and let me know. Try and convince me what suits me the best”.
That’s me. Unable to decide what’s good for me. Incapable of thinking long term for myself (or even short term). I prefer not to make a choice. Else I prefer the choice to happen by itself. I wonder if I completely believe in providence and luck. My wonder stays with me along with my indecision.
Labels: Career, Choices, Confusion, Procrastination
posted by Quintessential Critic (Sudhir Narayana) @ 12:22 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
Kya Sir, such an excellent opportunity and u want to miss it. Do it and then go to IIMA for the one yr pgm and u wud be rocking the corporate world. I dont think its all abt minesweeping and all nonsense. In fact with ur MBA background u will do gr8 there. The navy guys hv given me a diff feedback. Chk out. Let me know what u decide!!
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