Love Is A Four Letter Word

It was raining in the afternoon. The pitter-patter on one of the windows made me notice. I stepped out of my office cabin into the balcony, with a piping hot cup of tea in my hand, wanting to access internet and watch it rain. The signal is feeble inside the office, plus internet on PC for personal purposes cannot be used, thanks to the sensitive work. I read the WhatsApp messages, and one message in our school group by Sheela, my friend and classmate in high school stood out. It stirred emotions and nostalgia and I thought I should jot my thoughts down and share. 

I had shared the story I wrote to celebrate Father’s Day, in the group. Having read it, Savitha sent a comment. I am pasting it here verbatim. 

“Loved this article, Sudhir! Made me think - do kids still get asked 'who do you love more, mom or dad?' 

Back in my 70s Gen X days, no one asked, and honestly, I wouldn't have known how to answer. Love wasn't something you put into words - it was like a forbidden word :(

 Looking back, it's such a tough question to ask kids - each child loves their parents in their own way, for their own reasons. Every kid's bond with mom and dad is unique. Plus, as time goes by, those reasons might change, and what matters most at one age might shift as they grow.”

One couldn’t express so many things so succinctly and in so few words as Savitha had done (I am verbose, and garrulous). Yet, I wanted to go behind those thoughts and explore the ‘Why?’ Hence, this write-up.  (It’s not easy anymore for me to type on the phone - failing eyesight makes it harder to notice the typos. As I still await for my new large screen desktop to be delivered, I have little choice but type on the phone regardless of errors). 

Back in our childhood days, we didn’t clearly know the concept of love. None around us said, ‘I love you’ to each other. Be it parents, siblings, friends. There weren’t any lovers to be seen around - except on the big screen and they did express their love. So, love was a western construct yet. People sneered at the word love, and it extended to people who fell in love. ‘Agency’ was not a word that any understood, because almost none exercised it. 

I don’t think back then husband and wife expressed their love in words. Any physical proximity even between wedded couples was hardly ever noticed. Children never assumed or imagined that their parents could love each other and grew up with the notion that these relations were essentially unromantic. 

It was not like love didn’t exist. It was construed (or painted) more as a responsibility. Of parents towards children, and vice versa. Of spouses towards one another. Love was affection, care, and concern. But love wasn’t exactly said or treated as love. Anything but love. Parents strived hard to send their children to best schools, educate them, and ensure their needs were fulfilled, and believed that was love. Children learnt to respect their parents and thought (or, were rather taught) that was integral to love. Love took the meanings of responsibility, respect, reverence, concern and care. 

Love was a ‘four-letter word’. Something dirty, something not to be said aloud. Invariably, even as kids back then, we thought it indicated something between a man and a woman and it wasn’t ‘clean’. This was when we had no knowledge of sex. I remember an instance from my Class 8 days. A classmate of mine, in the middle of English class, asked me, ‘Do you love anyone?’ I took offence and complained to the teacher. The teacher said, “What is there in it? You tell him you love your mother!” I don’t know if I was convinced, but the boys in the class were all laughing and the classmate had broken into loud sobs, because suddenly he was an exposed villain who said ‘love’! 

The teacher - the late Mrs NV Anasuya - possibly understood how love was vilified. She, a Brahmin, had committed the crime of loving a non-caste person and marrying him. She had lost contact for long with her family thanks to her ‘folly’. Since my aunt was a teacher in the same school and I had free access to the lady teachers’ staff room, I also became privy to some of the stories and gossips over the years, but I prefer to keep them to myself. What I can definitely share is this: while Mrs NVA was liked and respected, her husband was not. Their love was not acceptable either. 

I also remember back then loving oneself too wasn’t liked. A classmate of mine (during my post-grad days) was ridiculed for filling the column, ‘I love….’, with the answe, ‘myself’ in someone’s autograph book (yeah, it was still a rage in the 90s; today’s generation may smirk at such ideas). ‘How could she write she loves herself? Such an egoist!’

Love today though finds more visible expression. Between parents and children, between lovers, between friends and siblings. But, one may also wonder if love has become shallow with time, as we may associate love with the benefits it might bring. And, self-love as a concept has gained much ground. 

And, coming to the question if we (or children) still are asked who they love more, yes it still prevalent. And it does take many hues too. Which friend, which colleague, which movie/sport/music star, and so on! We have always lived in a world of comparison - especially Indians. Our parents compared us to our classmates, cousins, and others. “Look at them…” was a refrain that was often heard (and is still heard in almost all homes). Our performances are compared, salaries are weighted, looks are put to test, and so on. We are still a long way from not asking such questions. 

Also, love changes with time. The intensity changes, the expression too changes. Just like how we change. And, with all that, expectations change. 

Yet, some loves continue to be stigmatised. Inter-religious, inter-racial, to begin with. Inter-caste is still not accepted so easily. Khap panchayats and ‘honour killing’ are common and find considerable support too. Same sex is stigmatised too. These aren’t lives that one voices out loudly. One dirtier than the other in the eyes of people we live with. Even when we commit ourselves to any one such love, we suffer from guilt - even when we know there’s nothing wrong or unnatural or sinful about it. 

Love by itself is beautiful, pure, blissful. But, the way we and the world see it makes it difficult, ugly, and dirty. 

And, thank you, Savitha, for making my brain cells think beyond weaving mundane stories. This post is for you!