Setting the Records Straight!

Recently a news item made the rounds for all the right or the wrong reasons. Addressing a bunch of school children, a popular politician/minister, asked the question, “Who was the first person to go into space?”

The children screamed in unison, “Neil Armstrong!”

The politician corrected them, “No, it was our very own Hanuman!”

The children too were incorrect. But, that’s besides the point, and let’s come back to this a bit later. 

Based on this above episode, the Guinness Book of Records is planning to revise the records held in the books! Accordingly, the Newly Recognised Firsts are as follows:

The first person to travel abroad (from India):

Sita Mata. Albeit she was forced to. 

Non-Indian category:

Ravana. 

The first Indian to voluntarily travel abroad:

Hanuman (again)!

The first person to fly a plane:

Kubera, the god of riches owned the first ever plane, called the Pushpak. He gave Rama and Sita a ride back to Ayodhya after the Lanka war. The plane was built by his brother, Maya. 

First Nuclear Explosion

Was carried out at the end of the Kurukshetra war in the Mahabharata. Ashwatthama detonated a nuclear bomb to exterminate the Pandavas. A counter bomb was fired by Arjuna, but was disarmed by him on advice of Krishna. Ashwatthama’s bomb couldn’t be defused - possibly because it was based on Russian technology and Ashwatthama hadn’t mastered all the complicated keys; it had to be taken on by Krishna’s air defence system with minimum damages.

The second nuclear explosion happened at the beginning of the Vedic period; this ended the glorious civilisation of the Indus Valley, and even took out a river (Saraswati) from its existence. 

First World War

Happened several millennia ago, with india as its epicentre, involving multiple nations, some siding with the Pandavas, and the rest with the Kauravas. 

First test tube baby:

According to careful study of history, the Kauravas were the first test tube babies. Gandhari was the first such mother. 

First surrogate mother:

Madri was the first. Kunti was tired after having given birth to several babies, including one clandestinely. So, she transferred the onus to Madra to conceive the Ashwini twins - Nakul and Sahadev. 

I wonder if the episode of the birth of Shanmugam predates the Bharata. If it does, then the Krittikas were the first surrogate mothers, who lent their womb to Siva and Parvati for the birth of Skanda, the commander in chief of the gods’ army. 

First children through sperm donors

Dasaratha’s sons. Despite marrying three women, Dasaratha couldn’t produce any progeny. Only then it dawned upon him that the trouble may not lie elsewhere but in him. So, he made a sage donate his sperms, which his wives happily accepted and produced four children - all male at that!

First dancer 

Siva, who else! The one who performed the cosmic dance taught the moves - after he calmed down and agreed to marry again - to Parvati, who now is considered the patron goddess of dance. 

First beauty queen

Lakshmi (no, not Rati). She rose out of the Milky Ocean in absolute glamour, mesmerising everyone around. 

First drag queen

Vishnu, hands down. He donned the form of Mohini and bewitched the demons, and ensured Amrit went only to gods. Then he killed a demon, Bhasmasura in the same form by making him burn himself. She seduced Siva in the same avatar, resulting in the birth of Ayyappa. Even back in those days, none could resist the charms of a drag queen. RuPaul, please take note!

Vishnu influenced Arjuna too to don the drag and live as Brihannala for a year. 

First transgender person

Shikhandi. Successfully transitioned from female to male (was known as Amba before transition). Bhishma was jealous of the transition as he too secretly wanted to transition, but had grown too old to try.  

First Olympics 

Was held in Hastinapur, the capital of the Kaurava kingdom. Karna emerged as the champion of champions in this edition, besting Arjuna, who ran away. 

First ever radio announcement

Happened in mathura, when the gods announced that Kansa would be killed in future by his own nephew! 

First Quiz

Featured the Pandavas at the lake. Yudhishtira won the contest. Yama was the quiz master. This original contest has given rise to so many contests in TV today including squid games. If Vyasa was alive he could sue them all and be the richest man alive! 

As and when more facts tumble out of our great history, the Guinness Records will undergo further revision. The Committee has assured.