Choices!

29/12/2005

The year is coming to an end. I wonder how fast the time flies! Well each of us wonder about the same thing. Time. We while away time. We complain that we are bored to death. We laze. We do nothing. Just lie there and watch the clock tick. And, yet at the end of every year (or every month or day) we are amazed how fast the time flies!

So what do I do about this malady that afflicts all? Would I change myself and say that I won’t be amazed when I know it’s end of the year from now on? Or, would I suddenly jump out of my stupor and slumber and yell, ‘No, no more laziness for me! I’ll stay active and savor every second of the time available”?

As normal with me the answer is, “I don’t know”. I am never decided about anything. Always ambivalent. Always procrastinating too. The result? My amazement at the time flying. My wonder with the new year. My inability to write the correct date when I sign on papers at the office. I guess it happens with a lot of people. But that doesn’t assuage me or make me a better person. I just become a part of the herd. A sheep.

It’s not that I’ve not made resolutions (mind you, never decisions or choices, always resolutions – ‘from tomorrow I shall…’) and there have been some I’ve tried sticking to too. Like giving up smoking. Or trying to keep account of my expenditure. But never have I stuck to any of them for the entire year. So, in what way would I want the coming year to be different? Or should I ask this differently? In what way would I be different in the coming year?

There are enough things to decide or choose about in my life. The very thought of the number of issues still undecided give me heebie-jeebies. What is it that I lack to choose? To decide? Well, the Landmark Forum that I attended made me learn that using the word ‘decide’ is to kill choices. But the habit of aeons doesn’t go away easily. I still say decisions and decide. I’ve to select ‘choice’ over ‘decision’ from now. Still I haven’t answered the question. What is it I lack? Is it knowledge or information about the choices? Or is it plain simple courage to choose? It is the second. It’s true. I am not courageous.

Yes, I’m not courageous. And, that results in me not being honest. And, I fib as I’m not brave I fib a lot. I’m a bloody damn liar. I lie for no reason. I lie about my education. My schooling. My work experience. My habits. My strengths. My weaknesses. Sexuality. Anything. You name it, and I lie about it. Without batting an eyelid. At the drop of a leaf.

I lie to everyone. My parents. Sister. Wife. Friends. Colleagues. Acquaintances. Strangers. Enemies too. My lies could be inconsistent too. I could be lying different things to different people. So, the lies I emit grow. They multiply. They breed like cockroaches (A cockroach lays 180 eggs a day). And, they are found everywhere like cockroaches. I can justify myself saying that I’ve never lied to hurt others. I haven’t lied and created gossip. But they are all justifications. Useless. Another set of lies. How do I know the result of my lies?

I lie. And my life is miserable because of that. I imagine things. I conjure situations. And, I invent lies. I stress myself with them. I rationalize using them.

Why am I saying all this now? Because I have now made the choice for the coming year (not just the coming year but also for the time of this year yet to happen) – the choice of being courageous and by being courageous, the choice of being honest.

My sense of shame would be multiplied everytime someone reads my ramble. But, I know it must be told. I know it is unhealthy to hide it anymore. Hence…

…I have made the choices. I request you all to help me in sticking to my choices. Thank you!