Farewell

Last week I was at home to see parents.  Sankranti festival and all that.  Post the puja and pongal, I started getting ready to leave and mom brought a cover and gave me.  "I've made some fried ಹಿದಿಕಿದ ಬೇಳೆ (hidikida bele) and I know SB likes it.  Take some".  I'd not yet broken the news to parents that you're not staying with me anymore.  Nor did I want to tell them that it was I who asked you to leave and not come back. Ever.  I have no patience, energy or inclination to tell them the whole story. I don't want them asking me, "How could you do this to SB?" Even though mom has her moments of irritation, I guess deep down even she liked you.  Of course you know that papa was your big fan, for reasons best known to the two of you.

Ever since you called up the last time and we spoke ("you spoke, I heard, and threw a few tantrums and went quiet, didn't further respond to your calls or messages", would rather sum that up better), I've been feeling quite at peace.  With you, myself and us.  I accepted the fact that I still love you and I possibly may never grow out of it.  I catch myself having a conversation with you in my mind, over things important and useless.  It feels good.  

"Do you remember the first drink we had together?" I ask you silently, as I pour a strong, generous shot of scotch for myself and a few friends who've come by.  "I know if you were here, you'd not approve of me entertaining my friends and would make faces", I chuckle.  "What's the laugh for?" one of the friends ask.  I say nothing but continue to smile.  As I lay in bed - alone - I remember the many conversations we had had. And, many differences and the resultant anger and tears.  Now, as I start a new conversation I realize I don't have to quarrel with you or get upset at all.  And, nor you at me!

Much as I have maligned you by saying loads of things when angry, I also would like to acknowledge the many positives that you brought with yourself.  Your smile for one.  Your warm hug.  Your willingness to adapt for the moment just because you wanted me.  Your love too (whenever it wasn't clouded by your urges or ulterior motives or by my shortsightedness and silliness).  I realize and acknowledge that I trained my guns at you even for my faults or follies at times.  It was easier that way.  To avoid responsibility and action.  Blame someone else. And, I didn't like your apportioning of the blame either, even when you willingly accepted you were more at fault.  Like in everything, I wanted all or none even here too.  

I went shopping this weekend, on an impulse.  I remember how much you hated me for spending on a whim, and tell SJ, "SN would buy even a bulldozer if it were on sale!" as I buy an expensive pair of shoes.  Did you notice that I hadn't bought any clothes for the last one and a half years? I guess not, right? Of course, your notion that I could be pacified if you'd take me out for shopping was largely right.  But, may be, you didn't realize I knew what you were doing. *smile*

No, I'm not saying all this to you because I want us to revisit all the mistakes and rectify them.  Nor because I want to reconnect with you.  My anger's still there and I'm yet to forgive you (possibly I may never; that way I can always blame you, right?).  I just am discovering that happiness and peace can coexist with anger and hurt. And, that anger and hurt need not be the dominant forces of the mind.  Phew! It's taken such a long time to know this.  As I say all this, there's this terrible urge also to bring out all the slights and spew venom at you.  I resist.  Surprisingly it's not too difficult now.  

If I were this wise (like you always were), I possibly would've walked away and out of your life a million years ago.  When you first broke my heart.  Or, the second time.  Or, the third time. I don't know if you exploited this weakness or I wanted you to do that.  It was both, may be? 

Just when I thought I'd accept you in however form, the last incident happened.  For good.  And, suddenly there was this light flooding my mind and making me understand many nuances that I had missed out.  I am heartbroken again.  

All this while I bemoaned that I was growing old and I'd not find someone again.  In the bargain all I was doing was to screw up my present (and future).  I discover that there are quite a few people who're (still) interested in me.  But, I know I don't love them.  Any of them.  But, unlike in the past, I'm not driving them away.  Instead, I'm befriending them, spending time with them, enjoying the moment and hoping that they'd be friends for life, than lovers.  

The 'you' I loved doesn't exist.  'You' never did.  I have an image of the you I loved (love and will love) inside me.  I spend my time conversing with that you.  I laugh with you, share with you and that way you always are with me.  Virtually.  

As I part ways with the real you, I want to grow beyond the bitterness, cynicism and other negatives I experience, and wish you well always.  I suppress the desire to say something Smart-Alec just to hit you below the belt, one last time.  

Adios!

  

Sankranti

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