Storm Before the Calm: Part I

(I have just returned from a short trip to the Canals of the Hague followed by a drink at one of the pubs with all batchmates in the course and the faculty.  I am in a hurry to finish this piece and put it on the blog and the damn thing seems to grow pretty lengthy.  So, I do what I think is best - divide the awfully long piece into two! Read on).

Nothing happens without drama. Ever.  Even though I made up my mind to come to Europe to pursue a course way back in 2012, I completely lost track of it during end of 2013.  When it was time to apply.  The Department of Personnel and Training (DoPT in short) announces the DFFT scheme (yet another acronym; stands for Department-Funded Foreign Training) sometime in the month of October every year and asks the officers to submit their applications by end of December (last working day).  Owing to some hectic activity at the office – we were running some Proof of Concept study in Delhi followed by a huge exercise of device certification in Chandigarh for iris-based authentication – and promptly falling ill thereafter, I forgot about the deadline.  On the 29^th evening I suddenly remembered.  It was a mad scramble thereafter.  One, the choices of courses are many and an officer can apply for either a long-term course (lasting 1 year) or a short-term one (anywhere between 3 weeks and 20 weeks).  For some courses, the deadline – I saw to my dismay - was end of November.  A long-term course that was available in Germany hence was out of question now. 

I have already said I wasn’t interested in studying in the US.  One, I was keen on Europe.  Two, I cannot drive which meant I wouldn’t be able to travel around the US and would be completely dependent on someone even for daily chores.  So, Harvard, Duke and Syracuse Universities were shown the door.  Ditto Singapore, the Philippines, Japan and Australia.  I was not keen on the UK either even though my sister (and my lovely niece) lives there.  I’d be greatly inconvenienced in matters of travel in Europe.  No Schengen Visa!  That left only one long-term course to apply for.  At the International Institute of Social Studies, The Hague, the Netherlands.  And, I promptly just did that.  As though filling in the rather long applications were not enough, I had to submit scores of other documents – including No Objection Certificate from the Office, My Annual Performance Appraisal Reports for the past 5 years (to apply, the minimum grading required in all the Reports is 7) and another certificate from the office stating there were no disciplinary cases against me.  I managed to scrape through all this by the deadline! And, just then the DoPT decided to extend the date for submission of forms!  Had they done this earlier they’d have saved a lot of heartburn.

I knew applying to a single institute would greatly affect my chances of getting selected for the training.  Hundreds of officers (may be thousands) from the Central and the State Governments apply each year to study abroad.   And, there are only so many scholarships the Government can offer.  Not all my appraisal ratings were outstanding (a rating of 9) nor did I have 5 reports.  Thankfully self-doubts didn’t stop me from completing the application though they troubled me endlessly until the selection process was over. 

In March the DoPT announced that I was selected. I couldn’t believe it for a while. I was overjoyed.   Two other Officers from the UIDAI were also selected for long-term courses at London (one at the LSE and another at the King’s College).  But the troubles didn’t stop with the announcement.  I learnt from sources that the officer heading the Training Activities (it’s called the Establishment Section) at the UIDAI had written to the DoPT that officers from the UIDAI may not be selected for long-term training and even if selected, the UIDAI may be constrained not to send them owing to workload.  I was also told that the current CMD/DG didn’t favour sending officers on long-term training either. 

The three of us selected conferred over multiple calls on what must be our course of action.  “We must talk to our bosses and seek their help” was a common refrain.  The two of them went ahead and spoke to the bosses and they promised to speak to the DG (and the DDG of Establishment) at an appropriate time.  Even though I agreed to it was difficult for me to seek help.  Never the one to be at loss of words in front of the boss and always known to speak one’s mind, I suddenly was tongue-tied.  My colleagues from Delhi would ask almost dally, “Did you speak to Mr Dalwai?” and I would not answer them with a simple yes or no. Of course I’d shared the news of my selection to the course but nothing more. At last one day in mid-April I blurted out to the boss, “Sir I need help”.  Once this sentence was uttered I was unstoppable.  I went on to relate the entire story, the facts and the rumours.  The boss – Ashok Dalwai - heard me patiently and only said, “Okay! Let me speak to the DG when he comes to Bangalore.  He will be here for the Tech Review in the last week of April”. 

Things went well and the DG agreed to send us all to our respective courses while he was in Bangalore (and it took me two persuasive sessions along with a load of help from Mr Dalwai to nail that).  What however bothered me was how vulnerable the officers are who apply for courses and dependent on their bosses’ goodness to finally go.  The department/ministry can always claim that the officer is ‘indispensable’ and hence cannot be spared for training.  With my luck in getting nominated to any foreign training or conferences, I was quite skeptical in getting the nod of the boss.  In the three years I have been with the UIDAI not once have I been nominated by the UIDAI to attend any training or conference in any foreign land while many if not most of the officers (including those who joined much later) have all visited at least once.  Those either are in close proximity to the HQ or the boss have made such trips multiple times.  While I do not envy their sojourns I wonder what in the world must one do beyond some decent work to be recognized thus.  I of course felt cheated when I was ignored and even wondered if my decision to choose the UIDAI over the Atomic Energy Commission (as Director, Finance) was a wise decision at all!

Going Dutch (Den Haag Diary): Preface

07 September 2014. The Hague. It is 20:10 now.  I just finished making upma.  Made with beans, carrots and onions.  No, it’s not my dinner.  I am done with dinner – rice, beans sambaar and grapes for dessert.  Upma is for tomorrow.  I even cleaned my room today.  Went for a long walk all the way to the beach (Scheveningen is what it’s called) and back. Why am I giving you all the details?  Silly me! I’m almost assuming you’d want to know every moment of me being here – like I’m a celebrity. 

1992-93. I hark back to my finishing days of MBA.  It was the time I was doing my project.  Sumi, my dear friend, was a constant companion.  She spelt out her dreams and ambitions.  “I would like to write my GMAT and fly to the US.  Would like to establish my life and career there.  Would you also join me Su?”  Sumi didn’t immediately fly to the US.  Some dreams take their time to find wings.  But, she did it finally in 1998-99.  She even found her lifetime companion along the way to the US from Bangalore via Pune!  And, my answer to her question was a rather firm ‘No’.  I categorically had stated that I had no interest of ever going to the US either to study or work.  Short trips were fine though! 

What I didn’t tell Sumi – or for that matter, anyone – was I did have my own dreams.  The US didn’t figure in them though.  It was Europe.  I dreamt of London, Paris and other famous cities and the great educational institutions that these places boasted of.  I fascinated about revisiting the pages of rich history of Athens, Rome and St Petersburg.  I wanted to visit them all, learn and live through the experience.  I knew that this dream wasn’t taking off anytime.  I neither had the means nor had the intelligence to find new avenues.  I didn’t either have the confidence to pursue the path of education abroad through scholarships. Also, I’d saddled myself with the albatross of being the only son and the responsibilities that would come along with it.  It was my duty to stay at home, find a job close by, and take care of them. My parents hadn’t said anything like that ever.  Nor were they in feeble health.  Essentially I wasn’t strong enough to pursue my dream.  I simply let it sink into some dark corner of my mind.

1998-99. I entered the Civil Services and was under training all across the country.  I met a Senior Officer from the Administrative Service who was pursuing his Master’s abroad and was travelling through Europe.  (He even was nice enough to send me cards from Paris, Rome and Vienna!  And, yes I still have them).  As I interacted with him my almost-dead dream resurfaced to breathe.  I wondered if I too would be able to pursue a Masters Course in Europe or somewhere.  I wasn’t confident of it happening – one had already heard one too many tales of the favouritism, red-tape and corruption within the exalted bureaucracy. 

2011-12. I joined the Unique Identification Authority of India on deputation as Assistant Director General in Bangalore in June, 2011.  I chose the UIDAI over scores of other options that came to me (that old adage in Hindi, ‘Khuda jab bhi deta hai chappar phaadke deta hai’ has been true in my case several times over) for two reasons.  One, I didn’t want to do anything with finance/audit for a while.  Two, I wanted to be in Bangalore.  And, I wanted both the conditions to be met.   At the end of the first year (in 2012), I discovered DFFT (Departmental Funded Foreign Training) when two of my colleagues applied for short-term courses.  I learnt that an Officer could apply for the Long-Term training provided s/he was under 45.  I had time! 

2014.  Back to the present.  I am here at The Hague, the Netherlands to pursue MA in Governance, Policy and Public Economy.  And, to travel around Europe in the next one year.  And, also, to reignite my desire to write.  I have been told by my previous partner that my writing is bland at best and I don’t display the wit in writing as evidenced during my conversations.  Others have complained of monotony, long-winding paragraphs and even lack of intelligence or purpose.  My erudite friends stay away from discussing my writing ability (or the lack of it). All these haven’t yet dampened my desire to write.  And, this journal would be one final serious attempt at writing and redemption.  

Change of Heart

"Su Let's get a pet home", Sanju started one evening, just after I had returned from a frustrating day at work.  I almost dropped my teacup.  He had broached the subject earlier too and had won a minor battle when I had consented to have fish at home. "I am not going to clean the tank or feed the fish or anything related to them" was my refrain then, but he had beamed like a little kid who'd got its favourite reward even at that.  In fact it was a repeat of the scene when he had suggested we could have plants at home.  When we moved into the new house last year in May, the first arrival was a lovely plant gifted by our equally lovely friend, Bassy.  I couldn't say no.

Pet though was a different story altogether.  I'm allergic mentally to sight, sound and smell of any animal, let alone dog.  At best I can appreciate them in movies, documentaries, pictures and (with great reluctance) in stories friends tell about their pets!  I almost threw up once hearing the tale of a friend who tended to his friend's iguana!

My initial thought was that I was being teased.  Sanju knows my visceral aversion to animals inside home. Anything cooped up stinks (think of zoos, your biology labs from school which housed mice, guinea pigs, etc).  And, I cannot simply bring myself to bear any of that for a second.  A life time of it is inconceivable even as a nightmare.

I was wrong.  Sanju started pestering. He even tried emotional stuff. "You'd be soon going away for a year.  I'd be alone at home.  You know I get scared to stay alone in the night.  If I have a pet - a dog - I wouldn't be". I lost my cool, shouted at him and banged the door and retired for the night.  How could he do this to me!! In the morning - when I had sufficiently composed myself - I said, "You know how I feel about having pets.  I cannot think of having any animal with myself in a confined place.  Also, it is not good for even the animal we bring in. Having a pet is a great responsibility.  Please understand.  Do not broach this again".  I didn't give him a chance to respond.  I left for work.

I hate dogs, let me be honest.  I hate them because I am scared of them.  I am scared of their barks, their growls.  I am scared to run on the roads because of dogs.  There have been occasions when I have taken different path when I have seen a pack of dogs.  Or even a single dog in a narrow lane! Because of my fear I have even bitten by a dog once.  And, now to have that same beast at home gave me the heebeejeebies!!

I felt bad that I'd got annoyed with Sanju.  But, I still believed it was his fault.  Even though I called him and texted him umpteen times, I didn't say sorry.  I expected him to say it! A couple of days went by.  Sanju reduced his demand for the pet.  I heaved a sigh of relief.  Life went on and I thought I'd crossed that major hurdle!

I have this facebook friend who is a great animal friend and has many rescued animals at her place as pets.  Like all loyal facebook friends I had happily liked all her stories on facebook about her dogs; once I even had the gall to say, "How I'd love to meet your pets" when I NEVER wanted to! She also blogs (and writes beautifully - with loads of wit and heart).  At this time when I was smarting at Sanju's demand, I saw the post on my friend's blog that was about her adopted bulldog, Jigar (read it here: http://theaccidentalsufi.wordpress.com/2014/05/20/piece-of-my-heart/) which ended with the line, "I hope anyone reading this post will consider adopting an abandoned and suffering animal".

I was truly moved by what I read (and understood the phrase, 'the power of the pen').  All those notions about pets vanished from my head and I truly felt I had wronged.  Sanjay and the pet that could (have) be(en) in our lives.  I immediately wrote to her on facebook on how I'd make amends.  The next day (I was in Kolar, visiting parents) when I returned to Bangalore and met Sanju in the evening, I told him he could go ahead and get the pet he wanted.  I also told him how Dame A's post on her blog had brought in a change of heart.  He of course was joyous! But, what he said was powerful.  "Thank you Su.  I am very happy that you have agreed to having a pet.  But, more than that I am happy coz you have allowed me to make the choice".  Reminded me of the story of King Arthur and the witch.

When I suggested that we might adopt an abandoned dog Sanju wasn't too keen to begin with. He was keen on having a dog that wouldn't bark too much and isn't too big (he too is scared of dogs but still wants to have a pet!). He had kind of zeroed in on beagles.  Dame A too suggested we have a pup instead to start with as we hadn't ever had a dog before.

As luck would have it he bumped into some animal activists online who guided him to visit CUPA centre at the Silk Board Junction, apart from imparting the right gyan on what kind of dog to have ("Beagles are a no-no Su! They, it seems bark a lot" Sanju told me and went on to add, "Su, do you know? Labradors are amazing I believe").  A visit to CUPA by Sanjay led him to meet Kade, an abandoned Labrador-Indie.  He called me to tell about him.  I said, "We are adopting him".  "But meet him once Su" Sanju said.  "No, you have liked him and we'll have him".  Sanju wouldn't relent and insisted I go to CUPA too.  I was - as usual - petrified.  There were scores of dogs - even a rottweiler pup, supposedly ferocious (as shown in some C grade English movie I'd watched many centuries ago).  I couldn't stay there for too long but Kade had made an impression on me too.

The rest is history friends! Today Kade is at home (and is fondly called Kadey - Kay-Dee by us all; Kadey means villain in Kannada - can mean naughty too).  I've now moved to the Hague.  And, it's not even three days and I am mightily missing him.  To the extent that I have even begun to play with the dogs that are brought for a walk here by others!

And, influenced by Sanju, Bassy too has adopted - Penny.  He has gone two past us and has two kittens too! Also, Biswa and Debu have adopted Jason.  All from CUPA.  Feels good.  May there be more adoptions.