Sand Between My Fingers....

Out of the blue the message that appeared on the screen shocked me more than many others that I had seen in the recent times.  'Sushant Singh Rajput found dead; suicide suspected'.  Here was a star who seemed to have everything going for him - outwardly.  And, yet he had killed himself.  Rumours abounded regarding his battle with depression in the recent days and his missed opportunities thanks to nepotism in the Hindi film industry.  Someone even tweeted he had lost out on 7 movies in six months after his last success, Chhichore.  And, the irony of it all: his last movie dealt about how suicide is not the solution.

Depression and suicides are not new terms.  All of us would have come across them.  My friend from primary school hanged himself after having failed in his second year of Engineering; he feared his father immensely.  A friend of mine from the Civil Services could not face all that pressure at his job just after two years of service and ran away; he came to live with me for a few months.  When he arrived I didn't even know his condition. It dawned upon after seeing him not  leaving his bed or room each day, not bathing, not eating, and not sleeping.  There are many other such stories.  Keeping them to myself.

This write-up of mine is not about Sushant or my friends and acquaintances.  It is about me.  And, this possibly is the most personal piece I have written here.  Baring a part of my inside which I have carefully kept under the wraps for almost all my life.  I guess it is time to let it all out in the open, and not carry anymore as a secret that I must protect with my life.  I am talking about my own battles with depression. 

My first brush with being down mentally was way back in 2009-10.  Till then I didn't know what it was to be completely down and out.  A mix of personal and professional troubles had resulted in me becoming aloof, withdrawn, and generally disinterested in things around.  I had no idea that these were symptoms of mild depression.  Soon, I was awoken to what I was going through by a colleague of mine.  "The Sudhir I know is a fighter; I can't believe I'm seeing the same person right now".  It was a wake up call.  Thankfully, this bout did not last long. 

Fast forward to 2018.  My then partner of nearly six years chose to end our relationship. Over a long-distance call.  "I can't be in a relationship where we aren't living together", were those parting words - we were living apart for over a year because of my own transfers (thanks to the government job I hold).  My efforts to move to Bengaluru where we could live together hadn't worked.  As though miracle (or a cruel quirk of fate).  I accepted the breakup overtly.  But, it had hit me more deeply than I had known.  I found it difficult to leave my bed, eat, concentrate at work.  It was a chore to speak to parents and family.  I found it difficult to keep my eyes open - even when fully awake.  Conversing was excruciating.  My mouth would dry up, I'd sweat, clench my fists, and jaw.  And hope it would all end.

Having been an introvert all my life it was not going to be easy to open up and tell anyone that I was going through a breakup and that I was hurting immensely.  Also, having mastered the art of hiding it was easy for me not to show it on my face, when I did manage to go to work, or met with the rare friend.  The intensity of this depression lasted for almost two years.  There were constant thoughts of self-harm.  Of ending all things quietly.  I could feel my own life slipping away from my grip like sand between my fingers.  I would wonder what would happen if I'd just let myself....

.. 2020 June.

I am still alive. 

I have not permanently harmed myself in any which way. I have not vanquished my depression forever.  But I have learnt to combat it, win the major battles, and have successfully stepped out of the previous big episode. 

Back in the early 2000s when my friend had holed up at my place did I learn what happens with depression first hand - by observation.  After having dragged him to the doctors, and monitored his counseling sessions and medicines, for months I had realised how debilitating depression could be.  But, when it came to my own life and its vice-like grip, all those lessons had gone away from the mind for months.  In a moment of saneness when my desire to live overpowered self-harm, I connected with my sister and blurted out that I was depressed.  And, then started my baby steps to open myself up to other people.  Seek help both from friends and professionals.  For the first time ever I opened up to my parents too and told them I was down, and I needed help.  I also promised that I'd come to them whenever I needed them around me. 

The single biggest fact that made me not take my own life was that my parents were still alive and I didn't want to leave them devastated.  It was not easy nor pretty the process of getting back into a clear head that didn't always tell me that I wasn't good enough to live.  I didn't always listen to the advice from professionals or well-wishers, but yet plodded on.  I have made it here and lived to tell the tale.

Some of the things I did to overcome this debilitating issue include regular exercise (my runs, walks, and gym), a newfound willingness to open up and talk about myself (wasn't always successful; my introversion is strong), my sister and parents, support from certain friends, and me creating a list of things I would want to do before I'd say bye.  The list inspired me.

The reason to write about my own experience was to set the context for what comes next.  An appeal to people who might read this.  An appeal to help those that show signs of depression. 

Depression apart from happening because of sudden life events, it may also be caused because of a host of reasons inherent in our society's ways. Having lived a life of discrimination based on caste and creed, biases and prejudices that come with social divide, class divide - poverty and penury, sexual orientation,  and physical traits (issues of weight, complexion, and being differently baked) can cause depression. 

Most people who are depressed may not realise they are depressed; even if they do they may not share it.  However, people in their lives can see those telltale signs of something being amiss.  So, if you see the signs, please offer help.  If they deny everything and resist your help, do not give up.  One of the biggest signs of depression is to go off communication.  By this I do not mean, every kind of communication.  It means the person generally loses interest in meeting people and socialise.  S/he might message you, post new pictures on facebook and instagram; even like your posts and send you smileys, but s/he would desist to come on a call.  Avoid meeting.  And, when meeting is unavoidable, may keep it brief or even avoid eye-contact.  These symptoms may be absent at workplace - but look for sudden absences.  Or excuses for delays, sudden sloppy work.  Look also for changed eating habits and patterns.  Avoiding food or overeating.  Substance abuse - alcohol mostly, but it can be anything else too. 

The reason most friends and families express surprise when someone tries to end their own life is not because it was not known that the person was down; but all of us keep telling ourselves that it might not be that serious.  Also, most of us would not want to deal with it.

If you are serious about helping someone in depression, do not just post messages to contact you.  A person depressed might not even see them; if even they did they may not contact you.  Instead, if you believe something is amiss with someone mentally, offer help.  Talk to them.  Tell them you are there.  Tell them you are willing to listen.  Give them your time.  And, not your advice that 'everything will be fine', 'don't worry', or 'its fine'.  and so on. 

Depression affects a large chunk of population in the world at one or more points in life.  Hence, it possibly is the biggest disease that afflicts humanity.  Let us commit to fight it together.

P. S. This post is not to show my ex in any bad light. I have moved on. And recognise that my reaction to breakup was my own. And not caused by ex. I’ve made peace. And I have a new equation as a friend with my ex now. Without malice. Without baggage and ill will. 

Breakfast Blues

Ever since I've come back to Bangalore (oh, now Bengaluru) and reported to work at the UIDAI Technology Centre I find that I'm always short-changed for time.  Slowly many things that I'd taken for granted as part of my daily diary have started disappearing from my schedule.  Yoga was the first to go (it was also helped coz of me hyperventilating suddenly and my friends suspecting yoga being the cause for it).  I also discovered I no more had time to make my breakfast or (packed) lunch in the morning before I left for work.  The maid would cook only dinners and I am not too fond of eating leftovers as breakfast.  I stopped cooking even on weekends.  Soon, my religious routing of knee exercises also became a casualty. And, the only walks that I got were from my chair to the loo and back.  Office mails ensured that I had lesser sleep than I desired or deserved.  

(Despite all this I have NO regrets about the position I've taken up; in fact this is the most exciting thing I have done in a long time but that's another - and longer - story, and will save it for another day).

I started eating out regularly.  Idli, wada and sambhar/chutney became the daily morning mantra.  I swore (and still swear) by the limp, lumpy but a lot-on-the-plate canteen lunch.  The effects were all there to see even before I could know.  I burped like a bellow, trousers suddenly weren't getting up beyond the mid-thigh, dull headaches, low energy, lower levels of patience (especially with the loved ones coz they sure invariably bear the brunt).  My coffee breath might've put off many dates.  My (operated-upon) knee began to hurt and groan.  In essence, my entire body and mind were revolting against these changes and I knew I had to address the issues immediately. 

I jogged back my memory and remembered I was trying to inculcate the NHS ideals of diet - get to eat at least 5 portions of veggies and fruits a day.  This also came with a rider: no matter how much fruit juice you consume, it'd amount to one portion only and ditto, lentils.  I thought I'd bring this back into my diet - whether I eat out or at home.  This meant, invariably I had to have my breakfast at home (or at a star hotel that would have a lavish breakfast spread).

As a baby step, I began buying idly/dosa batter from the shop so I would at least not eat soda-fied idlis.  Suddenly leftovers became valuable.  Microwave the leftover curries and eat them with the dosas; if it's dal/sambhar from the previous day, steam idly it would be for breakfast.  Two, maid was instructed that she'd invariably make either dal or sambar with loads and loads of vegetables (dal with watery vegetables like gourds or leafy veggies; you can't put any vegetable into dal); and veg curries would be dry and as non-oily as possible and potato is NOT a vegetable and hence not welcome.  

I soon discovered I can't have dosa or idli everyday.  How to make quickie breakfasts that are not noodles (I HATE all those 2-minute varieties) or cornflakes (I'm lactose-intolerant and we all know milk isn't digested well by grown-ups).  In came the options of poha and upma and rice-sewai or even lemon-rice.  But, how to make these give me one of those portions prescribed by NHS?  Of course you could make vegetable upma.  But, that would mean you spend more time in the kitchen (but where was this time going to come from?).  

Innovation!  I eliminated the nuts from peanuts in lemon rice and just retained peas.  My friend raised eyebrows all the way to the nape of his neck at this (being conservative?) but I tried.  Yummy! was the verdict.  Add a quick fruit too - bananas (1 if it's the regular 'spotted' green variety or 2 if it's the 'yelakki' variety) or oranges or papaya (chopped n stored in the fridge the previous night).  

It's a tad over a month since I started all this.  Now, even if I eat that junk in the afternoon (which contributes max 1 portion of my planned diet nutrition) I am getting a minimum of 5 nutritious portions of veggies n fruits.  Even if I go out for dinner I ensure I eat a fruit after I return.  I have cleansed the house of biscuits, short-eats, spicy mixtures and the like.  Even when I drink (which's become a rarity), I'm not snacking.  

The results have been obvious to myself.  I'm staying put at a 32" waist and not moving towards 34" (which looked a certainty earlier). A 30" waist in a few months down the line looks promising (if I can make some more time-adjustments, cut down on my internet time and make way for some exercise).  Bags under the eyes are looking less prominent (and the belly too).  I am not crashing the moment I return from work.  TV has moved out of the menu (I read the news on the web, when I have time at work).  

I'm experimenting with the upmas - I almost felt that guy in some cookery competition had stolen my idea and made mushroom-upma :)